Treading on SEND shells

The unnecessary anxiety of parents, navigating SEND language.

Mar 14, 2025

A parent carefully tiptoeing on broken eggshells. They look sharp gentle shadows evoke an atmosphere of vulnerability and delicate balance, symbolising the careful navigation of sensitive conversations around SEND. The scene capturing the weight and anxiety of each step

I felt the need to write this piece, because within Tide in the Bay, our supportive Facebook community where parents and carers come together, I’ve noticed something truly heartbreaking:

Almost every question starts with an apology.

“Sorry if this sounds silly...”
“I'm probably saying this wrong...”
“Please don't attack me, but I don’t know how else to ask...”

It hits me every time I see it.

Behind every hesitant message lies a parent carrying enormous pressure and then on top of that afraid they'll be jumped on for saying the “wrong” thing.

If you've felt this… This is for you.

You’re not alone.

It’s not just the endless forms, the relentless advocacy, or even wrestling with an education system that often feels built against us... it's also that nagging fear of saying the wrong thing.

You know the one... the quiet, creeping worry, hovering in the back of our minds:

"Did I phrase that right?"
"Did I offend someone?"
"Will I get called out for using the wrong terminology?"

This anxiety is real, and it's exhausting. So, let's talk about it openly, because you're definitely not alone and if you read this and realise you’re the one being the word police, I hope this makes you less of a Karen.

The Weight of Words

I'll assume most of us have cottoned on to the fact that words matter……especially when talking about disabilities or differences, whether we're chatting openly with our kids or privately behind closed doors.

Gone (thankfully!) are the days when old-fashioned phrases were casually thrown around without thought. Most of us now know better, we know words carry weight, shaping how our children see themselves and how others treat them.

But even with good intentions, we might get it wrong but what we can do, which our parents didn’t, is make it right after.

LinkedIn Warriors & Online Policing

The more problematic issue as seen through my lens, is the fear of others be it parents or professionals, calling us out.

A friendly pull to the side….Absolutely,

Wanting to be seen as holier than thou and ensuring everyone clocks how superior you are for pulling someones pants down at the multidisciplinary table says more about you than it does about them.

Correction is okay, but compassion is essential.

Trolling isn’t advocacy, it’s gatekeeping. It isolates parents at precisely the moment they most need support.

This fear can be paralysing, leaving parents hesitant to engage in discussions or advocate confidently for their children.

I remember a conversation with a parent who messaged me, hesitant but wanting to get it right. They said, "Sorry I’m not being ignorant. What’s the wording that’s acceptable? What do I say for behaviour things? Is it behaviour disorder? Or mental? Mental feels offensive for some reason?"

There was so much care in that question, so much awareness of how words carry weight. And yet, the fear of getting it wrong was palpable. It was a reminder that, for many parents, just trying to navigate this language is an act of love, but also an anxiety-inducing one.

But here’s the thing: learning is a process. No one gets it right all the time, and language evolves. Instead of striving for perfection, we should strive for conversation. When parents are afraid to speak, the opportunity for genuine learning is lost.

The Role of Online Communities

A trauma-informed approach to language would acknowledge that parents are often navigating their own emotional journeys.

Many, still processing a diagnosis, adjusting to new realities, or unlearning outdated terms they grew up with.

Responding with compassion rather than condemnation makes all the difference. Instead of calling someone out, we should be calling them in, inviting them into a dialogue rather than shutting them down.

You’re Doing Better Than You Think

Your child won’t remember the exact phrasing. What they will remember is how you made them feel.

Did they feel heard?
Did they feel accepted?
Did they feel loved?

Language matters, but love matters more.

So, to every anxious parent or carer in Tide in the Bay, and beyond, quietly apologising before you ask your question:

You don’t need to say sorry.
You’re showing up.
You’re learning.

We see you

#SENDLanguage #TraumaInformed #InclusiveCommunication #StrengthBased #ParentalAnxiety #OnlineCommunitySupport

Citations:
Strengths based language – Lancashire